"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a
flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably
carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not
found in a free state"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and
Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and
water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first
inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is
even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it
to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines
down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more
than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so
they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the
borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium
contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and
lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the
bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against
insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern
part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have
been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch
meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines,
eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.
All water tends towards the moon, because there is
no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the
more extinct it is."
"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will
have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a
large misconception."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the
Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a
dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they
are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope
lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the
blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down
over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the
body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and
move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady,
rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head
between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If
he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until
the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose
untill it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the
cow."